Escape From Myself.

Last night I saw the movie, Split. It has been out for a while, but there is a movie theater that I go to where on Tuesdays movies are $1.75, includes tax. So I like to wait for a while when a movie comes out and save money by attending that movie theater.

The movie was very interesting and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Plus James Mcavoy plays lead, and any movie he is in, I have to see. But this is not a movie review. This is about something that happened to me during the movie.

*SMALL FILM SPOILERS STOP HERE*

I was triggered while watching the film. I hate using that word. It makes me seem like I’m this snowflake millennial who can’t handle life. Which is not what I am.

In the film, it’s assumed a child is sexual abused by her uncle multiple times as a child and still currently as a teenager. The scenes imply this. It was uncomfortable in general, but especially so for me with my childhood history.

I can handle hearing about childhood sexual abuse from others. But seeing it in a film where the uncle strips to his underwear and pretends to be “animals” in the woods and tries to get the young girl to strip naked as well and play with…too uncomfortable for me.

I felt physically gross in my body. As if I was that child in that moment. This brought back memories of my childhood I prefer to leave buried. I thought I had a handle on my trauma, but is focusing on hobbies and other people (my submissives)…distracting me from dealing with my trauma? I had to take a break from seeing my therapist due to figuring out insurance issues. So I no longer have that help currently.

Seeing that scene in the woods…even the next day after seeing that film I still feel uncomfortable in my body. If a relative were to give me a hug right now, I would probably flinch away. It sucks.

I want to just get past all of these issues in my life, and be normal. Be like all of these other women on campus who seem to have it all. Looks, money, in a relationship, etc. Worrying about some guy not texting them back versus me worrying about being physically touched by someone accidentally or intentionally.

I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I feel like I’m stuck.

why-im-not-happy

10 thoughts on “Escape From Myself.

  1. I would guess that a lot of the ladies on campus see you the same way. I think we all have our own emotional baggage to carry around. I’ve seen Split and her story was just as creepy as the main character. I’m sorry it took you back to that bad place and resurfaced those feelings. Things like this movie may always effect you, but you can learn how to handle it. I don’t believe we are “less” because of our traumas; I really believe we can become “more” – stronger, more compassionate, highly valuing good people in our lives. That abuser doesn’t define you, you get to do that. I believe you will learn how to release his hold and take back your power. I see a lot of strength in you. Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you ❤️. It feels like a long journey to feeling like a normal person. I already have to try to prove myself twice as hard to people just because I’m black. Throw in the fact that I’m a female and have intimacy issues…fun stuff lol (sarcasm).

      Liked by 1 person

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